Rodrigo Garcia decided to annoy me lately by compiling all the cliches of contemporary Ireland and then throwing whatever broad accent that could pass for Irish into the mould of some dead behind the eyes actors- oh, and Brendan Gleeson.
Albert Nobbs (Glenn Close- from here on in shall be called the founder and punisher of boredom- FPOB, for short) is a shy and unassuming butler working in a holier than thou Dublin Hotel in 19th century Ireland. The plot never thickens... it's a thin soup from the minute the Atonement soundtrack begins (you know they use it for all "Big House" drama's now...).
The basic story is....
Nobbs (FPOB) is a miserly old woman, dressed as a man who is terrified that she secret will be revealed to the house when she is made share her room with the freelance painter Mr. Hubert Page (played by Janet McTeer). Page and Nobbs strike up and unlikely friendship and Albert learns to share the real person under the butler uniform. During this time the audience learn of Albert's love for Helen (Wasikowska) an in house maid, who doesn't reciprocate. She spends her time looming at the Dublin handyman Joe and ends up, non surprisingly pregnant. The rest of the story goes in a fashion that John B. Keane would be proud of.
The character I had the biggest problem with was the lowly wide eyed and bushy tail servant Helen (played by that one, Mia Wasikowska- if you think of it in terms of current events, she's like a Tesco Value Saoirse Ronan, they couldn't afford the real thing but then after trying the cheaper version out for a bit they just gave up ). If I believed for a second that she had a soul and wasn't the epitome of a gone off fig roll, I would elaborate further on her accent, the fact that she hurt my eyes with her fake tears and the idea that she has a vagina in which to entice men- it all seems very unlikely.
The bad guy- if there is a bad guy in this would have to be the greedy and loathsome hotel manager Mrs. Baker, played by Pauline Collins, who was Shirley Valentine back in the day and should know better at this point in her career. For some reason she was dressed like a withering mother from the Jane Austen era- and had a panache for lace gloves.
The accents varied from awful to down right prejudice on the scale of offensiveness- think Richard Gere in the Jackal then think about Paris Hilton's sex tape and then get a screw driver and push into your left ear- ignore resistance, then you're with me.
Janet McTeer was okay. I mean she didn't make me want to end her existence. Her character was a little more believable in terms of a strict routine in Ireland and a little less- pity me because I talk very little, which seemed to be Close's plan for the 17 hours the film went on for (it was that long, I timed it). Brendan Gleeson was dependable, but there was little he could do with the material given. It's like trying to get The Only Way Is Essex to act out Macbeth- it'll be fun, but in the end you'll feel sad that it ever happened- like that Paris Hilton sex tape.
The characters meld into each other at some point after the initial development of what Nobb's plans on doing with his/her/its life- Jonathan Rhys Meyers is still alive- I know this because he somehow managed to wander on set and piss me and the entire cinema off by pretending he is straight- I won't believe for one minute that the man was acting- An amoeba can't act, I know this because I did Biology in school.
I feel Gleeson really tried, so much so that I'm convinced if we were to freeze a frame during the scene where he is going down on Maria Doyle Kennedy you can see him mouthing "help me".... and just like the plot, no one can save him.
I've always liked the writing of John Banville, it was one of the main reasons I coerced my friends into going to see the film (they aren't my friends anymore...), but just like all his novels, it went on a bit too long- and what could have been said in one paragraph took a fortnight to stutter out. The most annoying fact is that there was such huge potential in this film- the star status of Close, along with her financial backing meant that people were going to sit up and watch. The fact that it was only released in January in the States and yet was still nominated for three Oscars (best actress, best supporting actress and make-up) also meant there was heavy anticipation where it was concerned. What went wrong?
There was a good point- I can assure you. It does end.
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