Lately I have definitely felt that I have needed to change something- I worried about being fickle and that the only person I was actually punishing was myself.

It's true, that's the exact way of it.

But yesterday and today I realised something and I am lighter because of it- not to have too much of an Oprah moment or anything, but I don't actually need anyone other than myself to function- why have I always thought the opposite? I am 24 years old! I don't need a routine, or a rut as it has become known to me. If I have an opinion and I feel it in my gut that it is right then why shouldn't I stick to my guns? I can do things by myself. I have challenged myself in the last year and tried to consider things that I would never have dreamt of attempting before now.

It's ok that I do not understand people- they rarely take the time to understand me so it can lead to a bit more of a balanced existence- hopefully!

It's the culling process I have mentioned before, I really need to stick to the aforementioned guns. It won't always be pleasant, but I think it will be good for me.

I sit here at home in the sun while my mother is gardening in the over grown jungle we like to refer to as "the lawn", my father and brothers are trying to bring in the hay bales today as everyone is going back to their "real jobs" tomorrow and my sister is... well she's married now so she doesn't count (joke...cough).

My mother's ideas of human behaviour are always what I try best to stand by- if you are being treated unfairly and are not being viewed for who you are then you need to get out of the situation while you are still able to walk away comfortably.

She's the hairdresser of my split ends it would seem... but I think it's going to take a little longer for me to like the idea.

It's been a day of busy heads and fast thoughts- but a good conclusion.

I feel alot of sorting out and tidying must be done this Summer. Unhealthiness must be culled out of my diet and mind. I know what I want and who I want with me while i achieve it- unfortunately i means a few more distasteful "we need to talk" conversations...

but it's all for the greater good.

whatever that is!

Is it ok?

I just realised I have this blog four years... odd.

I remember the day I started it and why and it's funny because all those problems are gone- wrapped up neatly and tightly stored under the bed.

But the stuff that is messing it up now...

it's everywhere.

A day of words and silence padded throughout with a misrepresentation of my own thoughts-

there's a mouthful for you.

I think I have an idea of where my head should be at each day. On a day off I should sleep until a certain time and then engage in social outings, be it alone or otherwise. I conform to what my own head tells me is right- laughably I attempt rebellion.I'll try and snap out of myself and be sensible and try as I might I will not achieve as much as I ever would have deemed acceptable.

the way I misunderstand people reflects hugely on the way I feel of late. I really do not get you. I do not understand the lingers, the thoughts and the emotions- it frustrates me as I realise that I am most certainly broken. No doubt the normals feel what the weirdos cannot. I dislike bundles "we, they, us, them". Each is singular, do not lump me with you, I am not an us, a them, a we or they. I wish I was, oh god I wish I was. But I am a me, an I... I'll get used to it if you will.

Today I wrote my obituary- I can't actually tell you why I did this. An experiment a trained professional will no doubt raise his heavily cynical eyebrow at- but I did it. I may publish it here. Once I see myself pass the idea of my fictional and fantastical death- I am stomped to death by a heard of over sized Koala bears in the middle of the giants causeway while marching for the freedom of incarcerated pigeons all over the world.

In case you were wondering.

tick

It's like a bash in the head- this series of nothing. An ambition that is so far out of reach the height above my head is laughable, craning neck worth of silliness. I wish I had a plan, a responsibility, a notion, a helpful hint as to what it is I should be doing right now.


I should write, I know this, I know I should and it would be in my ultimate best interest to steady my hand and my mind and pen to paper in the most modern of forms and shelf every other issue in my head.

But I can't.

I lack the the lustre of steadiness. I miss things, people, thoughts and memories. I don't understand the simplest of people and am truly perplexed by my own head right now. Is that OK? Writeable- No.

A plan for the Summer, we all make them. They are the new years resolutions we try to rekindle. I have a reading list, a set of challenges and a bravery gauge I wish to undertake in order to what exactly? Why am I putting a time limit on things. I can still achieve these things if it is raining outside and dark before 6pm. I am not a child, the Summer freedom is not an easy breeze now- it doesn't exist.

I think I hate the people I love as well as like, loathe and tolerate them. I am an all rounder in terms of emotions it would seem and the only person who can stand by it for long enough and put up with the motion sickness? ah, that will just be me then.

Sit in a room with the clock ticking, the time drips off the wall like rebellious paint which point blank refuses to dry- but I will watch it. Sitting in a old musky chair so past it's youth of fashion it is unrecognisable in function. Waiting for... the wall to paint the right colour? The paint to drip off completely and puddle at my bare feet in the hope of colouring something? The batteries to run out and the ticking to stop?

Or am I waiting for nothing, but am so far beyond realising that there is nothing to wait for that I hide it.....