Lock Stock and lots of broken furniture.

Once Upon a Time there was a final year student who thought it would be a laugh to take on too much. She was not a princess, she was not wealthy, she did not have an evil step mother and she certainly did not possess magic powers to help her overpower the plight of her existence. This girl merely survived due to a financial grant, Tesco Value products and bi monthly visits home to the parental unit grounds of Waterford.

This girl realises that she refers to herself in the third person and that her fairytale is probably pointless and more of a “how not to exist” pamphlet than an actual fable. But she has been taught some lessons this last fortnight and she refuses to remain silent about said revelations.

The fairytale life in Cork is fulfilling enough without screaming out overly excessive expectations. Therefore one should not be too concerned by the mediocrity of our intellectual gatherings.

There is a certain etiquette one must maintain whilst socialising at a house party. Pants must remain on ones person, alcohol should only be consumed from the bottles in which it was intended for and no-one should ever use pizza as a weapon. These are just some mere mortal examples of what one should not have to endure while standing in a tight (well maintained) corridor.

Pants must remain on ones person, alcohol should only be consumed from the bottles in which it was intended for and no-one should ever use pizza as a weapon.

The ideology behind a house party in this country is because we are all far too into our drunkard existence to abide by such ridiculous rules as “closing time” in a public house. Therefore we must go to an off license, sneak the drink into said taverns, drink copiously and marvel at our own stealth at the fact that we have managed to hide all our alcohol under that scarf. Bear in mind we are in fact screaming at the top of our lungs and every other person in the bar including the owner is well aware that Stella Artois is not a clothing brand, now is a cardboard box of Centra “Horse Hair” wine some kind of retro handbag.

Surviving a house party in college is in fact half the battle. The other half is finding your keys, coat and phone at the end of the evening/start of the morning and mastering the idea of stairs before making the three hour drunken hike up the road to your abode. People will be strewn around you, those who weren’t so lucky. They didn’t make it through the night but their contorted facial features will convey that it had all been worth it.


As Britney Spears’ Gimme More throngs through the laptop speakers the final year student realises that she has said too much. Her story regarding house parties could in fact be deemed criminal and to an extent damaging to those she socialises with- acquaintances’, no journalist has a friend, bar their mother. The moral of every fairy tale is to leave Jack Daniels where you found him, on the shelf.